Clouded Chaos

Welcome to Trace’s Space. Was thinking about this today.  When you come from a home that is nothing but chaos, it is only natural for you to engage in what you know.  If you have never had boundaries, or been taught basic life skills it is difficult to comply.  If we are real here folks, children who live this struggle, can’t learn until a behavior is actually addressed.  Sure they are street smart, and in that alone is why they strive to be in control, natural leaders, but not good ones.

We can be kind and nurture, but it’s not enough.  

We are missing something.

I think often about my first year at my job and how the classroom I was in was the last room to be filled.  I think out of 20 kids we had four who could handle the day.  People would walk past our room and look in the window to see what craziness was happening in there.  We had parents ask to have their children moved to other rooms.  It was my first taste of early childhood reality.  It was bitter.

I often wonder what made me stay.

Actually I know.  I prayed myself into this job.  I kind of knew after a random hug from a three year old that it was my fate.  This little one had it tough, so did we.  It was a tough time in the Horne household, but that is a story for another time.  See we have been right where some of the folks that myself and my co-workers work with, and, hey! we might actually still be there.

For every ounce of crazy I encountered that first year, there were prayers that went up.  I remember holding an escapee and praying that God would make him rest! Please God! He was mean, he was big, and he could toss a table... but in all that, I loved that baby.  He was three.

We had it all, from kids who didn’t want to go home, to one who would grow up to be a chemist.  Yes, a legit chemist.  It was so hard.  Every heartache went Home with me, every broken family went home with me... my mind was consumed with the brokenness.  My five year old son said to me, mom I don’t want to hear about them anymore.  But they were part of me, and still are.  That part of what happens in my daily life has not changed, I bring it home, if you don’t, you are not human.

Since the beginning of time families have been living in chaos.  The very first family in the Bible was full of deceit, and violence, brought on by manipulation.  When it started out I believe there was no intent to change the destiny of the human race, but their flesh got in the way and they got caught up in wanting more.  After partaking in the one thing God told them they could not have, they were ashamed not just because they were naked physically, but their sin was very much transparent to God.  He told them not to eat of the fruit, they did.  That fruit wasn’t what we think it was, they tasted and saw for the very first time, sin and shame.  It quickly spread into their family and the first murder took place because of jealousy, not just jealousy because of family favoritism but because one brother who chose to follow God was being blessed! Cain didn’t have to tell God He killed Abel, He already knew,  God already knew Adam and Eve were naked, until they ate the fruit, they didn’t know, naked was well, just naked! This family had become a hot mess! It doesn’t say God turned His back on them, sin and all, they were still His.

The Bible is full of folks just like us, good, bad and ugly, yet God still loves us, hot messes and all!

Children become what they see and hear.  If your home is full of chaos day in and day out, it is very difficult to learn to live outside of it.  Imagine being three or four and constantly being exposed to drug and alcohol abuse, or physical or sexual violence.  Being talked to like you are an animal, then being placed somewhere that you are expected to comply.  To follow rules, adapt to routines, to learn.  No matter how safe, how calm, for that child it’s unnatural.  It’s about survival, and if that means trying to draw folks into their chaos, that’s exactly what they try to do.  Now here is where I add the not all kids act out, or some kids have medical issues that cause behaviors, or for every five you have that act out you have three kids who have been blessed with what we would consider normal chaos! Does that make sense?

I guess the whole point here is, we all have chaos in our lives and sometimes we are so consumed in our own we cease to notice how hard life is for others.

I wish I could fix it.  I wish children didn’t have to suffer because of the poor life choices of their parents.  I wish I could calm the chaos.

Lord today I pray for all children, that You Lord extend a hand of calmness and soothe their little souls.  That they somehow find their way through the chaos and confusion that this wor,d deals them every day! Let them run and play, and dance in fields of Grace!  This I pray, Amen!
See you next time!